I have a dream… a dream of wearing a fancy little dress and I’d see you at a staircase waiting for me. Then, we’ll go to a place with yellow lights hanging on the trees and i table at the center with beautiful old love songs at the background. In the dream, you’d hold my hand and dance with me. In the dream I’d fall in love with you all over again. With each and every word of the love songs at the background, I feel you loving me and me to you. In the dream, it is the first dance as if the other dances never really count. Then, I’d touch your face. I’d stare into your eyes and I’d see my forever. I’d see you and me. Then, I’d tell myself as I smile, “Well, this is the man of my life.” You’d kiss me and that moment… that very moment was like a taste of heaven on earth…and then finally, we knew what ‘meant’ really means…

I regained myself by reminding myself my self-worth. I AM BEAUTIFUL.

As much as it hurts that I’ve been acting as pathetic as can be pleading for the attention of the one I love, I am reminded that before him, there are so many guys who are willing to love me, to offer their time to me, to be mine. I had become clingy to this person thinking that it is a way to show my love and to receive that love back because let’s face it, in a relationship, it must be give and take. Not give and give.

I don’t want to brag but I know I am beautiful, in my own way. Generally, I am fit, which actually makes me sexy and hot. I have nice vital stats, you know (36-25-36). I don’t need to plead for the attention of somebody who wouldn’t wanna give any effort to get mine. I don’t wanna waste my time crying over somebody who just passes by on me. I don’t wanna waste my efforts to someone who does not consider my needs. I don’t wanna pay attention if you are not listening. I don’t want to waste any of my resources if you just treat me like trash. Your text is not enough for me. Do you think that is a sufficient proof that you love me? Please, give me a little more respect than that.

You’ve come to be a little too lenient for assurance. I am an independent woman and I know what I want and what I DON’T WANT. I don’t wanna be taken for granted especially when I know I did not come short in giving my best in loving you. I don’t want to feel like a 24/7 convenient store…something that you can visit and leave anytime you want. Be there for me 24/7, not the other way around.

I am capable. I am capable of being tired. I am capable of realizing I DO NOT DESERVE THIS. I am capable of flirting. I am capable of making a man fall in love with me (even if it means that man is NOT you). I am capable of captivating anybody. I am also capable of, uhm, replacing you! Yes, replacing you. I love you, yes. But, when you’ve crossed the line, I guess I gotta move on. I have so many things ahead of me and I am capable of doing greater things that will shake history. If you’re just gonna mess my life, better leave now before I destroy yours! I have so many things I need to do. If you’re not gonna treat me right, move away, I’ve got much more important matters to attend to, so many suitors to entertain. My love, again, I am telling you, if you’re not gonna do this right, I’ve gotta let go of you before you annoy me and before I set  you out to the stranger zone. At least now, I still have a little respect to the memories we’ve made.

To be honest it took me a lot of courage to get to here. It took me a lot of head banging to realize that, hey, maybe I REALLY DON’T DESERVE THIS! Yes babe, I believe in TRUE LOVE & HAPPILY EVER AFTER, but I guess for me to settle on that I must choose a person who most deserves to be with me forever. I am telling you this because right now ‘cause I am on the verge of the cliff. I am leaning to leaving you and your pathetic excuses alone. I am on the verge of flying away from you incompetent non-verbal discourse to defend yourself (which are illogical most of the time). I am getting done with your chronic disease of doing something wrong, saying sorry, promising you’d never do it again and finally end up doing it again eventually! Yeah, that’s how pathetic I’ve become in loving you. Yet, I have forgiven you in each stupidity you’ve caused me. Despite the driving demand of the market amongst the really really cute, intelligent, smart, gorgeous men who wanted me, I rejected them and I still stayed because I was loyal to the fact that we are exclusively dating. Okay, let’s say you haven’t cheated as well. That is fair but is it fair to stop proving to me that you still deserve to be by my side? Is it fair to forget that I need affection? Is it fair to ignore me because you’re done playing with me? Is it fair that I have given my all yet all you have to respond to that is that you need your fuckin’ space? Is it fair to let me do all the effort? Is it fair that you are not even redeeming yourself from every wrong thing you’ve done to me? You just went on with your life like nothing has happened. You did not hurt me and you did not say sorry. You didn’t even tell me that you wanted me in your life and that you’re lost without me. So, yeah, is it fair that even though I had tried opening up to you my concerns about our relationship and the things that we need to improve, you did not even try to change? Is it fair? You’ve got a gem in your possession yet you just sit there and let me rot in pain and hatred. The worst part is, I think you think this is all FAIR to you. You believe you’ve done your part right? You’ve fucked me real good right? You’re supposed to be the best boyfriend in the world. Well, FUCK YOU! You blame me everything you’ve lost. You blame me for your failed exams. Fuckin’ moron, couldn’t you just have studied instead of playing your computer games? You blame me for missing your final exam because of a little favor I asked you? Dumbass, if only you had studied, you’d be exempted for the finals. Jackass. You’re too pathetic to admit that all of that is ACTUALLY YOUR FAULT. SURPRISE! Sorry to tell you that, but that’s the truth. You’re just too weak to accept that that you still have to put the blame on me. You say you’ve ignored your friends because of me? I fuckin’ stayed at your house like a freelancer bitch for us to be together then you give me THAT?!

Anyway, fix yourself boy. Fix they way you see things. Fix the way you think you’re right! I love you even if you’re such a dick. Though, baby, as you can see, ‘I love you’ is not enough for me to stay. You actually have to TRY.

If you can’t realize all of this, I’m done. Also, better get your head on track if you still wanna keep me. We can never know. Maybe it’s too late for everyone…especially YOU.

I didn’t know that you feel that way…
that you just try to be happy
that you smile for me
that eventhough it hurts, you’d say
you love me.

I didn’t know that you kept it all
you kept it all inside
for so long
I waited for you to be honest
Yet it turned to out to be crap

You didn’t mean to tell me
that you feel hurt and despised
that for so long you just lied

You thought I didn’t love you
that for some reason
you’re just an instrument
For me to be happy.

What if I say yes, you are
Because I need you for me
to be happy.

What if I say yes, I said that
but only to make things interesting
‘cause I meant it as a joke
a means of laughter
and you took it otherwise

Now, it hurts
everything you said
with all your bare honesty
with everything you thought and felt

It just hurts.
That’s all.

I am a stupid girl.

I found the love of my life at the tip of my nose. We’ve been in each other’s lives for more than a year now. I spend every waking moment with him by my side yet I still have the courage to pour myself in self pity, doubt and I don’t know, nothingness maybe. Everything is great. There is no enough cliché that can suffice when I say that words will never be enough how happy I am when I am with him. That kiss, very very soft kiss… that touch, gentle and comforting… that face, innocent and brave… that voice, with a tone of a man and a huskiness of a rough boy… that and everything else about him. I could not be apart from that guy . Sometimes i get a little too selfish that I hurt him. I know, I can see in his eyes that he was just resisting the urge to throw me off the window and get it over with me, yet he stays. For a minute or two I can feel the struggle. I can feel him telling himself how miserable he is with me yet he still loves me no matter what. I guess it is ego and all but I have been coming to believe that it is I who is not worthy of this young man. I guess I love him too much that I want him all to myself… ALL TO MYSELF. Yes, I am a bitch. I couldn’t help it. Even if I had told myself to ease out a little on him on mind, my selfishness possesses itself through the words that come out of my mouth. I want him by my arms I guess I kinda suffocate him. Yet to compensate my disregard for my greediness, a friend of mine told me that in a relationship, you have the right to be selfish. It’s just how it is. Sometimes I forgive myself, sometimes not. Sometimes, I just wanna free him from me. Take him away and throw him back to his friends. Ever since one of his friends and I got a little misunderstanding, it was a kind of awkward for me to mingle with them, plus, I have a mess (whole lot of mess) to clean up myself. I’m a wreck right now. I suffer by putting him in the middle of things even though it is not his fault. When we started this relationship and I have all my shit together, I was a confident, ambitious lady who knows she can conquer the universe. I did not need to possess him because I have other things that time that I can busy myself with, then, everything was gone. And I had nothing…but him. Then, I wanted him and more of him. At first it was like heaven on earth… like ‘you and me’ against the world. But then it became worse. I wanted nothing other than me for him. I hated the fact that there are other things that can make him happy and that I will never be enough just as before. I hated the fact that he needed his friends. I understand that yet I still can’t help myself. He’s the only one I need to be happy now. He IS ENOUGH FOR ME…and I am very much afraid if that doesn’t go for him as well. It’s just unfair. He is enough for me. Okay, I admit, I do sound crazy. Yet he still loves me after that…actually, after everything he’s lost because of me, he still loved me. 

As bad as it sounds, I am not that of a bad girlfriend despite this downfall. He lost his virginity on me. And yeah, we have sex…a lot! He’s not as miserable with me. I stand by his side whenever he needs me…or not. I kiss him, hug him and tell him I love him all the time. But I guess, when the favor never comes back, you have a tendency to seek the balance. when we started, he was all sweet and thoughtful. He was. He would kiss me good morning. He would text me he he loves me. He would miss me like a mad man. Then, time went by and I was returning the favor and was becoming a little clingy. He faded. He never says i love you’s as much as he did before.  He doesn’t miss me that much. As a matter of fact, he actually wants me away from him sometimes…or most of the times, I don’t knnow. It hurts because I try hard to be with him. Don’t you see, I am the one living here with you? I made a lot of sacrifices from watching him and his friend play for four hours while a froze there with pretentious amazement of what they were doing just be able to socialize with his friends, to passing out on job opportunities because those would mean being apart from him. Actually, you can blame that on my personal decision, yet I think I deserve a recognition there for staying. 

Recently, our relationship had been mostly about sex or else, we’re bored. I can feel it, even though he doesn’t say it. Don’t get me wrong, the sex is… uhm… legen…wait for it…DARY! Well, sex life is really good and active but after the orgies and small talk, he just wanted to distance from me. And here I am, chasing…

There was something that he did that was unforgivable…really unforgivable… yet his angel tears got to me and I was trapped in his vulnerability. He said he can’t let me go. He doesn’t want me to go. He wants to be with me. Yes, I know that but why does it sometimes feel that he’s not working for me to stay? How come he ignores me sometimes? How come he wants his way out? Sometimes whenever I feel this way, I would think that he only need me for sex…and maybe a little bit of love. Why do I still need to throw myself at him just to get his attention? How come he doens’t consider me when his friends tell him what to do? I just want him to be consistent! Love me like it’ll be the last day of our lives. 

I’ve got all these doubts and jealousy shits all over my head yet just one  whisper of those three words get me back the assurance I needed for those moments of pain and uncertainty. It’s either he is really fading out on me without consciously knowing what he is doing or he’s just getting too complacent now that even though he loves me, he’s not trying to show it anymore because he’s guessing I already know it. Also, sometimes, he would lie and I’d know it. He has some excuses that I let get by. I sometimes think it’s still his fault. I have reminded him a million  times that I think he’s missing out on me…in a crying manner, in an angry tone, behind a sweet joke… in MANY WAYS! He just kisses me and smiles. For a moment, I’d be relieved. Yet for a moment after that moment, we’re back at that somehow cooling flame of us. 

Though there would be momentS…moments of bliss…moments of getting to be a child at heart… moments of smiling and laughing and actually being happy despite the old miserable world throwing problems at you… moments of security at the warmth of his embrace… moments of love at the touch of his hands… moments that I could never ever pay. So I guess, at the bottom of everything, at the bottom of this story, I guess no matter how hard, how painful, how exhausting it is to stay,

IT IS WORTH IT.

-#-

0417 11.19.11